The reason I haven't blogged the past few days is because I've just been to sad to sit down and write. My darling Grandma Earlene died early Wednesday morning after a painful battle with lung cancer. She had come to live with my parents in Edmond after her diagnosis in October, and because Labdon and I had just sold our house in preparation for a residency move, we had the blessing of being my Grammy's 'roomies' for the past few months. We had so much fun with her and spent many happy hours talking, reminiscing, playing with dogs and loving the sweetest moments with each other. Her short term menory had been quite affected by vascular dementia, but her long-term memory waa seamless and stories from her past flowed from her like a river. She gradually got sicker over the past few months, and I worried to my mom that I shouldn't go to Asia because of it. My mom looked at me as if I was insane and told me I was utterly crazy, and that I know my Gram well enough that I knew she wanted so badly for me to do my rotation in India and travel. She had been quite the traveler in her younger years just like me, and loved the thrill of setting off for a new place with new people to meet. I knew my mom was right, but it was still so hard for me to go, and to be in India, getting updates by phone on her health and happiness, both of which varied by the hour. She lived her life with joy and so much enjoyment of the most special things until just a few days before her death, planting flowers with my mom and a lake trip with my parents and Landon to Arkansas, to see my other grandma who was her dear friend from their days in Kansas, raising my parents who were sandbox buddies before they fell in love as adults.
I had been talking to my mom a lot as Grammy Earlene got sicker, and my mom had a feeling on Tuesday night that Grammy would probably leave us very soon. When Landon hugged me so hard when we got back to our hotel after the ziplining tour, I knew even before he spoke that my sweet Grammy had left for heaven already. I wanted to go home immeadiately to be with my family, but my mom reminded me that wasn't the plan, that I was doing exactly what Grammy wanted me to do, living life.
So I've been finishing the final days of the trip I planned, seeing the beauty of the amazing wonders I told Grammy about before I left. Though she couldn't remember exactly where or why I was going, her excitement matched mine. She lived for her family, and if her first grandchild was going on an adventure, she'd be right there with me.
Her service will be on Sarurday in her hometown of Saffordville, Kansas, just miles from the farmhouse I grew up visiting and loving her in, making soany memories. My flight gets home just more than 24 hours after the service, so I will be there through something I wrote to remember just a small part of the incredible, loving person that was my Grandma Earlene.
This is what I wrote for her:
My Grammy Earlene was an incredible woman. She was one of the strongest women I've ever met. Raising three girls on her own required a kind of courage that in today's time is remarkable, but for a woman in the 1960's was truly incredible. As a little girl staying out at the farm, I marveled at her fearlessness in living all by herself out in the country. Sleeping upstairs in her house, I would be scared of the shadows the tall trees outside the windows would make, their branches looking like monster's claws in the glow of the big streetlight in the backyard. I'd crawl into bed with her and immeadiately fall asleep under her protection. She was a successful but compassionate businesswoman, her efficiency and skill in running the nursing home matched only by the love and kindness she showed to all her patients. She knew each of their stories by heart, and I loved watching their faces light up when she'd talk with them about a special memory from their past. It seemed like everywhere we'd go in Chase County, somebody would know my Grammy and have a reason to come up and thank her, tell her a story or give her a hug. She was an honorable, highly-respected woman that taught me at an early age about integrity and the satisfaction of doing your job proudly and well. Grammy lost so many people that she loved early on in her life, but she shared her love so freely and openly with all of us. She was a survivor which can make people hardened to love from suffering so much loss, but her love as my grandmother was unhindered and unconditional.
My Grammy was also one of the most fun people I've ever known. We have had so many good times together in which we couldn't do anything but laugh. Some of my best memories are the times I spent alone with her in the summers at her house. I'd go into work with her, usually with Jenny, and we'd go talk to the people in the nursing home. We'd periodically stop by Gram's office to check in with her, and she'd always have a suggestion on who we should talk to next, who seemed lonely and could use a walk in the garden. After work we'd go out to eat, get ice cream, watch a movie, or I'd practice driving her blue Cadillac on the back-country roads by her house. Though I was an underage, terrible driver, she sat relaxed in the passenger seat, giving encouraging smiles and tips. I loved to play the piano and sing with her at the nursing home, at her house and at my mom's house most recently. She could still remember the notes well and we loved to sing together, especially hymns and popular songs from her younger years. Of course music brings to my mind one of her other favorite things: dancing. We'd put on CD's and dance on the wooden floors of her living room for hours. I loved watching her dance with Ben and Brian at my wedding, and most recently she'd laugh at my goofy dancing to her favorite records at Mom's house when I'd try to make her laugh. Even a few weeks ago I'd pull her up to sway with me and she loved it. We both shared the love of travel, and it was fun to talk about our favorite trips together and hear her experience of seeing the volcanoes in Hawaii after Landon and I went there for our honeymoon. She loved to shop and took me so many times for school and just for fun. Her eye for beautiful things was endearing to me, and I still love to touch all of her lovely jewelry, fancy hats and glassware that she had collected for so many years. Her closets upstairs held so many treasures that she always let us rifle through. Playing dress-up at Grammy's house was the best, and nothing made me happier than seeing her smile as Jenny, Hannah and I came prancing down the stairs in fancy dresses from her past. She let her grandchildren set up roller-skating rinks in the basement, dabble in her nicest make-up and perfumes and took us for long walks to Taddy-Pole Crick. She loved the outdoors and shared that love so strongly with us, and I have fallen in love with the beautiful Flint Hills that she adored so much. Some of the most beautiful sunsets I've ever seen were with Grandma, standing facing west at the edge of the pastures by her house.
The health problems that burdened Grandma in the last few years of her life brought her to see me more often and gave me opportunities to return just a small bit of the infinite love and care she had given me as a child. I am thankful for the times I got to take her to her cardiologist. We'd hop in my car, blasting Frank Sinatra the whole way there, dancing in our seats. She'd flirt in her gracious manner with every member of the office staff, both male and female, and charm everyone in the office. She'd often tell Dr. Prasad that her granddaughter was going to be a doctor like him, and her pride was so touching to me. Grammy always made it evident how proud she was of me and her other amazing children and grandchildren in the way she attended every school program, ball game and graduation of ours. After her appointment we'd usually go to Kaiser's, a restored soda fountain in downtown OKC that had a live piano player on most days. We'd eat humongous milk shakes together and people watch. Grandma knew so well the pure goodness of talking and relating to another person, and she'd often wander over to chat with the people at the next table, especially if they had little children. Almost as much as people, my Grammy loved animals. She passed onto us her love of all things great and small, from the beautiful monarch butterfly she preserved in her glass china cabinet to the multitude of cats that ruled the roost at her home over the years. I think that people who truly love and appreciate animals are unique and gentle spirits, and my Grammy was tireless in the way she cared for so many of them. I treasured the way she treated my dogs, Max and Lucy, giving them the most tender caresses and words at all times of the day. She could watch them wrestle each other for hours, and I knew when she scolded them it was just for show. Her mischevious streak we all knew so well loved watching those two roughouse. She also welcomed Landon like he was born her grandson, and in the way she loved him, he was. Her face was beaming when she saw me wearing her wedding pearls on my wedding day, and her presence with me on that day, like every other special day of my life, was a blessing and a memory I will always treasure.
When I left for my rotation in India, I knew it might be the last time I'd ever hug my sweet Grammy. We'd gone to breakfast as a family that morning, and afterwards we stood in the sunshine together and I told her goodbye and hugged her as tightly as I could. I told her that she was the best grandma in the entire world, and that I loved her so, so very much. She asked where I was going, and Mom told her that her grandaughter was adventurous just like her and was going on a trip.
"How wonderful!" She said brightly, and she hugged me so close and so tight it felt like she knew it might be our last hug too. I am now missing her like crazy, hardly believing this world can go on without my Grammy. My mind and soul are full of memories of her, the sound of her laugh, the twinkle in her eyes, and the way her hands would rub mine or stroke my hair when we would sit together. I wish that I could be home with everyone right now to give hugs and words of comfort, but I know Grammy is glad I took this trip, and she is on one too. I only wish we could share our stories about it like we always did, but I know she is happy and enjoying it beyond our human understanding, loving us in her special and perfect way like she always did. Landon said something the other day that made me realize that Grammy was at peace and ready to say goodbye to her beloved family. He reminded me about how lately she had kept saying,
"Well, I guess it's time for me to go home.", with an excited, joyful tone in her voice. Landon said she was likely talking about an entirely different home than we thought, and that is such a beautiful way to describe my Grammy feeling ready to leave this world and head back to the arms of her precious Lord.
Dolly Earlene Grace Cleeton Lind, my Grammy, I miss you and love you so much. Your life will always be remembered by your family that loves you so incredibly much. Welcome home.
I decided to keep blogging because she would want me to keep recording this adventure I'm on. I feel her so strongly with me here that I find myself whispering something to her often, knowing that she'd love a certain sunset or a stray cat on the corner. I miss her so much and it feels like the pain will never be healed, but my memories of her are a calming, reassuring presence and I know now that she is free, eternally joyful and on her own adventure.
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